Being a mom, working for moms, and wanting to go on spring break. Part 1: Being enough.
Every good mom knows the feeling. It’s the small gulp in the back of our throats just before our head hits the pillow, before our feet hit the floor-more mental than it is physical.
I don’t need to give you examples. It’s plastered all over Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram.
Here’s the message….the feeling, you are not enough. You’re not doing enough, you’re not making enough, you’re not caring enough….
There’s even scarcity in simplicity.
You’re not gardening enough, and having a self sustaining chicken coop and not caring what your hair looks like anymore because you’re so freaking gorgeous anyway and your kid is so cute climbing the tree and eating berries-enough.
You’re not MOM-enough. It’s like an evil meditation mantra, seeping into our subconcious and consious brains.
Dear: You’re not mom enough. GO F YOURSELF.
What makes a good mom anyway?
The answer is simple and it doesn’t have to do with whether or not you breastfeed, how many times you’ve taken your kid to disney world, or the artificial food coloring you’re avoiding.
This is what makes a good mom….
Love, affection, and forgiveness…
As much as humanly possible.
Moms who keep their child safe to best of their ability and appropriate level of understanding
ex: some non-vaxers may claim full-vaxers harm their own children, and certainly vice-versa.
Guess what? Both of you are wrong because you’re both RIGHT.
Moms should not be made to feel like they’ve failed their child because their lack of attention in quantitative research analysis, peer reviewed scientific studies and ability to interpret what may or may not be skewed, biased data. They listened to their pediatrician, the CDC, and the AAP. That is enough. They just don’t want their kid getting measles, whooping cough, or……..dying. Sound familiar? Enough.
Moms should not be made to feel as though their very well-thought out and arguably valid decisions regarding their child’s medical care, is being irresponsible, neglectful or (ugh), trendy. Guess what? Those moms probably have a pediatrician that not only support their decision, but publicly advocate for it. A real-live board certified physician. Like-not a quack. That is enough. They just don’t want their kid getting seizures, toxicity, guillain-barre’ syndrome, or…you guessed it- dying.
EEE-NUFF-AH. I’m from New York.
What makes a good mom?
Teaching your kid CONNECTION the best way you know how.
My favorite life guru and qualitative researcher, Brene’ Brown PhD, defines connection as the following…
The energy that exists between two people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive WITHOUT judgment; and when they derive sustenance and STRENGTH from the relationship.
READ THAT AGAIN. Powerful.
It’s a hard definition to get through. Not because it’s difficult to comprehend- but because finding these connections among other moms and women, is like finding the filter to the nose frida- especially when it comes to the millennial mom. It’s hard enough to find connection within ourselves.
When you’ve found this connection, nurture it. Love it. Help it grow. Think of this relationship as your sustainable garden and set the example for other women. Teach this to your children. They WILL follow.
If you don’t have this connection- acknowledge it, respect it, and wish it well. Attempting to combat a skewed level of connection is like trying to fit a full term pregnant woman into her jr high school skinny jeans. It’s a disaster waiting to happen and will likely reflect in poor judgment or character on your end, not theirs.
Some people aren’t ready to play nice. Genuinely nice. And that’s ok. I get it. They’re still good moms and are most likely good people.
For the nay-sayers?
Judgement manifests itself from insecurity. EVERY psychotherapist, behaviorist, and awakened person KNOWS this. It is hard to see in the midst, I know. I’ve been there. But now, I am here. Trying to be here.
Here’s my advice… To myself. To you. To my son, and the future children I want to be pregnant with- just not necessarily parent at the *moment*…
Meet cruelty with a lack of acknowledgement- unless doing so would harm yourself or others. Meet judgement with compassion. Judgement, cruelty, shame…they can NOT survive with compassion.
Scarcity. Not being enough? Mom-enough? It’s a scary place to be. It’s a lonely place. Especially when you feel like you don’t belong-let alone fit in. The term ‘being-enough’…it’s just symptom of the same debilitating disease. All these terms- it’s as if Hater-aid Helen, Judge Judy and Negative Nancy cross multiplied.
It’s hard to see where one begins and the other ends. It’s like a giant, clear beach ball rolling down a hill. You can try and pinpoint what’s in the middle but it’s hard to see…even when you’re on the outside of it. Imagine being in it. Or being its target.
I think it’s time mom-wars, women-wars, and our quest for enough, get a little chemotherapy. Or high-dose vitamin C with a few organic coffee enemas. Whichever you prefer….it’s enough.
No need to make a big campiagn. Just take a silent vow with me. It’s OK if you need to be reminded, again and again and again and again.
Lindsey Murphy, MOM
Photo by: Liz Sawa of Elizabeth Kristen Photography
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…,” T.R. Roosevelt